No rest for the weary

My Mom died. No, not today, or this week, even. She died almost 6 years ago. She and I were close; she was my best bud. So, when people talk about "losing a loved one" I get it. I get the fact that grief is never ending, and the loss is forever. I get the 7 friggin' steps in the grieving process, though no one ever tells you that you'll go over those steps (sometimes not in order) over and over again each year.

What's interesting is that my mother's death continues to effect me in ways that I never would have imagined. One way, is that it's hard not having her around to witness her grandson. And, likewise, my son will never know what a phenomenal personal she was. This also means that any wisdom regarding babies, children, being a parent, is gone, inaccessible to me.

I'm navigating without a map here. It's just me and my husband trying to figure things out. And while I think I've done a pretty good job of figuring things out there's one area that's still lacking, greatly.

THERE'S NO BREAK. EVER.

My husband and I live 1700 miles from the rest of my family (and his). My sister in law lives 5 miles away and sees my child so infrequently that she makes him scream when she tries to hold him.

The night before last Baby C woke up at 3AM, perky and ready to play. I rocked and patted and rubbed his back and finally at 5AM he went back to sleep. I took 2 nyquil last night and went to bed at 9:30. Baby C slept, thank God, and so did I. But, honestly, I'm still tired, still fighting off a cold, still lacking in patience. I need a break. This would be a fantastic time for my mother to be around. She could take the baby and give me even just 1 hour to nap.

But, sadly, she's gone and I'm forced to pay someone $7-12/hour to watch my child so that I can get the occasional break. So, instead I'm doing my weekly menu (yes, I'm still doing it) while Baby C naps. (We're going to the grocery store when he wakes up.)

But, I'm thankful that I had 30 years with the best mother in the world and try my hardest to emulate her. I'm still tired, though. Anyone want to babysit?