Friday, May 4, 2012

The Guilt Monster

Before having my son I made the decision to keep working. I like working, honestly, and I also like the pay. My last post I talked about the guilt I feel towards putting my son in daycare for 5 days a week, rather than 4. Since that time I've been thinking a lot about my guilt and how to deal with it. Here's the problem... I don't want to spend my free time thinking about what I SHOULD be doing to be a good Mom. I want to be doing it. I want to be the best Mom I can be. Period. That being said, I also came to the realization that my wonderful (almost) 2 year old son exhausts me. I also realized that my husband and I really need some time away from my son in order to recharge our own batteries.

I took the advice of a very wise woman and got a babysitter last Saturday.  My husband took me to lunch. I realized that I somehow felt better leaving my son with the sitter in the middle of the than leaving him at 6PM for dinner. Why? I would like to be home to put him to bed. I'm not too sure why that makes me felt so much better, but it does. So, maybe for a while the Hubs and I do lunch dates until my guilt starts to subside. What I do know is this; I will never feel comfortable leaving Baby C with a sitter (and vice versa) unless I start to leave him with a sitter. Here's the funny thing... I think that I may be more uncomfortable with leaving my son than my son is when I leave him with someone.

Someone at work today said something poignant. She said that taking time to yourself, or just with your partner allows you to recharge your batteries, and in the long run, makes you a better Mom.

That being said... I've started dropping my son at daycare, rather than my husband dropping him off in the morning. He's also started throwing a major fit in the morning. We're talking alligator tears, screaming, "Mommy, Mommy"... the whole deal. It makes me feel like crap. I've noticed that each morning this week I've started out feeling low... majorly low... and I think it's because of my son's reaction to the daycare drop off.

The thing about guilt is that it's a cycle. You feel guilty because (in my case) I made my son feel bad about me dropping him at school, so I let him have more treats or stay up later than usual to make up for that fact. Then if I don't do the extra treats one day, I feel even more guilty because now I'm not doing special things to make up for the fact that he's going to daycare. For me, it's a cycle. I guess I just need to stop feeding the guilt monster and stop feeling guilty about my decision to be a working mother. It is what it is. I work. My son has to go to daycare.

So, how do I tame my guilt monster? ... I'm not too sure, but I think my sanity requires that I figure it out.

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